Finding a Balance.

I had a total epic breakdown last night about my new situation — the stay at home mom status. It was bad. Tears. Lots of tears. And even more self doubt. In fact, the tears have happened on multiple occasions these past few days.

I fully realize that I am only two full weeks into this new transition. I will get that out there right now. What I am learning, however, is that this transition is MUCH harder than I thought it would be.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my kid & spending more time with him is exactly what I want. He truly is fantastic and I think overall, he is much happier in his post-daycare life; I can already tell a difference in him & his attitude. It’s not anything specific but it’s just BETTER. This makes me happy because it makes me realize that this was the right decision for right now.

But it’s hard letting go of that career-driven aspect of life. Or even just getting up in the morning and having a purpose besides deciding if it’s going to be bananas or strawberries for breakfast and what park we are going to go to that afternoon. I enjoyed what I did professionally. Not so much in my last job, because it wasn’t nearly as challenging as I needed to thrive, but overall, I am good at what I do (or did, I guess). I enjoy being creative. I liked having an opinion. I want to make a difference.

On top of this, I feel like an epic failure as a parent already. I know this is not truly the case — my kid is fed, clothed, sheltered & loved. I’m grateful for that, duh. But I don’t think I have gotten out of my yoga pants more than two or three times these past two weeks. I don’t talk about many things besides what the toddler is up to. I look forward to my husband bringing up current affairs that he has heard about, or watching the news because it gives me a chance for an intellectual conversation. I know these things are possible outside of your spouse, but they seem to be rare. On top of that, I am learning that my patience is very, very thin. This is where I feel like I am sucking hardcore right now. I feel guilty for wanting MORE than this, but the reality of the situation is that right now, THIS is what I have. And MORE isn’t really possible without completely neglecting my kid — and if that’s what it comes down to then I might as well go back to work. Being with him is a priority, but the very selfish part of me wants to make ME & my hopes/dreams/aspirations a priority, too.

Someday this will come, but I don’t want to push it off forever, so I am working on that balance. That really fucking hard balance. Help him thrive while helping me thrive as well. What this comes down to, I think, is that some days the house will be a mess. Dinner won’t be ready or we will order pizza. Laundry will pile up. Not always, but if I have those couple of hours each day where I can focus on myself, do something that I love, then maybe I will feel better about myself.

I started drawing again last week. It felt good to break out the pencils & pens and doodle for a little bit. I would love to start painting again, and I’m trying to figure out a way to bring the toddler into that world without creating a total chaotic mess. It would be fun to do together. Theraputic for both of us.

Again, it’s a balance. I know I am new at this. I know that things will work themselves out eventually, but I can’t seem to get past that DRIVE that I have. I know so many moms are happy sitting at home with their kidlets all day, being a care provider and nothing else. But that’s not me. So, balance … show yourself! Or at least point me in the right direction to find you.

And So It Begins

On August 16th, I officially had my last day of work.

Wow.

I honestly never really saw this day coming. I mean, obviously I did. I was the one that gave the notice, but I think what I mean is that I never saw myself HERE. Unemployed.

I’ve been unemployed before, but for brief moments of time and always searching for the next job opportunity. Right now, there is no plan. Some photography on the side to make a few bucks and a Direct Sales company that I kind of work for from time to time to make a few more bucks when I really need it, but career-wise, there is nothing.

I will admit that it’s kind of nice to not have anything on the horizon. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t really know what I want to do with my life, and working just for the sake of working, which so many of us DO, just seems a waste of time (although I do already miss my paychecks). I know many don’t have a choice, and I am beyond grateful that we can financially afford for me to stay home for the time being (albeit with some cutbacks in our budget).

After I left my last job, I took the kiddo and we went to Seattle — my hometown — for two weeks. It was an interesting trip and it was great to see family and spend some time with close friends. It wasn’t nearly as relaxing as I wanted it to be (have I mentioned how BUSY my toddler is?) but it may be the last trip out West that we have for a very long time, so it was a necessary adventure. I’ve been back home for a week now, and I am trying to find a routine in our daily lives, one that serves the family as a whole while also making sure I keep the toddler busy but also allowing myself some time for ME. It’s a challenge already. Because I am not working and am no longer contributing financially for my family, there is this NEED to carry my weight around the house. Cook. Clean. Organize. Laundry. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Nobody is asking me to do these things. Certainly not my husband, and I am sure he could really care less how I spend my days. If I was sitting on the couch all day doing nothing and making a huge mess, we might have a problem, but I’m not, sooo … it doesn’t matter to him & he would never bring it up. It’s my internal voice that is telling me that staying home equals WORK in a different respet, that taking time for myself is selfish. Even now, as I write this post while the little guy naps, I feel like I should be cleaning bathrooms instead. This is something I need to get over, because with very little adult interaction in my life going forward, the things I do for myself are necessary for my sanity.

I need a schedule, so that’s what I am working on finding. Something that works for the kid but also works for me. One that allows me the time to do the things I NEED to do, but also allows me the time to do the things I want to do. A balance. Let me tell you, it’s tough. There are days (like today) where the couch sings my name and I just want to lay here. OK for some days, but not every day.

BUT, I am on my way and since I’m only a week (officially. The trip doesn’t count!) into this whole stay at home thing, I’m not beating myself up too much over it.

Yet.

Life Unexpected

Life UnexpectedAs fun as this adventure is going to be, I can’t help but think of how frustrating it has been to get to this point. While there is a lot of joy and excitement in sort of figuring out my life because I have the opportunity to, I also very much feel like I am starting at ground zero. Completely fresh. With no idea where to go from here.

Granted, the whole idea is to figure that out, right?

But I have to admit. Giving up the dream of where I thought my life would be is hard. I went to college. I went to graduate school. I am awesome at what I do in a professional sense and I LOVE doing it. But unfortunately, I married into the military. Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband with my whole heart and I love my growing family; I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Hands down. But it has been difficult to see others around me, people I have known forever or went to school with be so successful in their careers.There was a time where I wanted all of that, and living in a town where the only real business is the Army, it makes things challenging when you expected something different.

And here I am. Coasting by. I think that’s why I am feeling so lost, this idea in my head of where I SHOULD be in my life, but being in a place where what I want isn’t available to me. It’s frustrating. BEYOND frustrating. But I am a determined girl. I will make this work. I will find a way. And then again, aside from finding my way, I also need to accept that this is the way it is. These are the cards life dealt me. This is the path I chose. So get over it and move on.

I broke out and dusted off my art supplies last night. I need to take a break from my current Netflix addiction (seriously. BBC makes the BEST. SHOWS!) and be a little more productive. Since I know that’s something I can work on in this moment, hopefully this weekend I can get some good drawing in. Can’t wait to share my progress next week!

The Holdup

I can’t explain how excited I am to start working on this personal project of mine. Like, really excited. My hold ups are getting a little frustrating.

One of the hold ups right now is that, well, I’m still working full-time. We also may or may not move in the coming couple of months to a place that we aren’t really sure of yet. Army life. Gotta love it. August 16th will be my last day at my current position before I head into the world of “stay at home mom” status, for the time being.

Leaving my job is scary. I’ve never been interested at staying at home, but with a possible move and a second baby on the way, it was sort of something that needed to happen. Well, it didn’t NEED to happen, but it was inevitable. So this is a big, huge, gigantic leap for me — one that is going to take some time to process. I have no doubt in my mind that for a while I will most definitely not getting up, rushing around to get ready, dropping the kid off at daycare & spending more time with him. But I also know myself, and I know that it’s only a matter of time before I start to get bored.

I need a purpose.

My husband & I went to lunch last Friday & I told him about this project. He LOVED the idea. He has always told me, and reiterated while I was talking to him about this, that he doesn’t care what I do, as long as I am happy doing it. You can’t buy that kind of support & I truly am blessed to have a husband who supports my 30-life crisis. He was fascinated to hear how much I had been thinking about it while also loving the ideas I was having of things I wanted to try. But I am truly anxious to get started. Wrapping things up in my professional life while we are still trying to figure out what’s happening in our personal life is frustrating. I’m eager to start. To sign up for classes. To set aside time in my day to break out my art supplies or to go take photographs for fun instead of taking photos of people. To look up cooking classes or to find a make your own pottery place. (Obviously, I tend to fall towards the more creative spectrum of things I am interested in!) But not knowing where we will be in two months is kind of holding me back. At least for now.

I have some plans for when we are in Seattle next month & am planning, at the very least, to start drawing again regularly before then. Carrying around my sketch book & pens isn’t an issue & with my job winding down, I have some free time during the day. I can’t wait to share the things I come up with. I’m also working on some design stuff for this blog, so that will fill a little of the void I’ve been missing!

Happy Monday!

So Now What?

So where do we go from here?

One of the struggles that I will have during this adventure is finances. In about a month, I will be jobless. Due to the Army’s indecisive nature of whether or not they wanted to move us (still up in the air) and a very unfortunate working situation (not appreciative or supportive of military lifestyle AT. ALL.), I was sort of forced to quit my job earlier than anticipated. With no second income and a new baby on the way, we are on a tight budget. Which is fine, we can do it.

But some of my plans may have to be creative in their conquest. I don’t really have a list of things that I want to try, but I do sort of have an idea in my head of where I want to go and what I want to do, and as hard as it is to give up my professional career (especially with how hard I have worked over the past 10 years) for the time being, I am looking forward to making more time for myself and the things I love doing.

That said, there will be more painting and drawing. A lot more art projects in general. More hikes. Maybe some cooking classes. Bettering myself as a photographer. Things that I KNOW make me happy. From there? I don’t know. I’m determined to try new things because, well, who knows! I just don’t know what those things are yet. I can say that I am excited to try them, whatever they may be, wherever we are, and

Within the next four weeks, I will be wrapping up my job. Immediately following that, the Tot & I will be making a two week trip out to Seattle to visit family & friends before the third-trimester starts & I can no longer fly. After that? Then it’s on.

I can’t wait.

Welcome!

Hello. My name is Brittany. This is my blog! Introductory posts are always awkward, & I never really know what to say when I start a new one, so I’m just going to type, mmkay?

As I said, my name is Brittany. I am 32 years old and have a pretty standard and happy life. I’m married to a wonderful man who has been in the military for 10 years. I have a Bachelors Degree in Communication Studies and a Masters Degree in Public Relations. I work (currently, but won’t be for long) a pretty standard day job. I am mom to a little boy that I love more than life itself and have another bundle of chaos on the way (due in January). We live a simple, but fulfilling life financially with a roof over our head, food in our bellies, cars to drive and the freedom to do what we want, when we want (within reason!)

On paper, one would say I have it all. But for some reason, I’m not happy with the way my life is going. Don’t get me wrong — my marriage is great, albeit the occasional ride on the roller coaster, and my kid is awesome. I wouldn’t change a single thing in regards to that. But I am finding myself more & more unfulfilled. I can’t really explain it other than saying I’m not really where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Something is missing. I can’t really put my finger on it but I feel like something needs to change.

I just don’t know what.

Feeling the way I do, I took to the interwebs to see if this was common. Shockingly, what I was feeling wasn’t new, but instead described as a 30-Something Life Crisis (my 30Life Crisis is what I’m calling it for short!) Lots of 30-something’s realizing they they don’t really know what the fuck they are doing with their life. I’m glad to find a club that I belong to, and most definitely glad to know that I am not alone in all of this.

But this feeling? I don’t like it. Not enjoying my life to the fullest. Not doing something that makes me happy. Feeling lost & confused as to what my role in this world is. Basically? I’m over it.

So this is my path, and in true Brittany fashion, I need to document it. My goal is to try new things, have new adventures, find something I’m passionate about and bring a little joy back into my life. More fun. Less monotony. I can’t guarantee that there will be frequent posts here, but I will write as often as I can. I hope you stick around & if you are here because you are going through the same 30-Life Crisis that I find myself in, then I hope you find inspiration to make some changes to your own life.

Welcome. Enjoy. Come back soon.

Love, me