I had a total epic breakdown last night about my new situation — the stay at home mom status. It was bad. Tears. Lots of tears. And even more self doubt. In fact, the tears have happened on multiple occasions these past few days.
I fully realize that I am only two full weeks into this new transition. I will get that out there right now. What I am learning, however, is that this transition is MUCH harder than I thought it would be.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my kid & spending more time with him is exactly what I want. He truly is fantastic and I think overall, he is much happier in his post-daycare life; I can already tell a difference in him & his attitude. It’s not anything specific but it’s just BETTER. This makes me happy because it makes me realize that this was the right decision for right now.
But it’s hard letting go of that career-driven aspect of life. Or even just getting up in the morning and having a purpose besides deciding if it’s going to be bananas or strawberries for breakfast and what park we are going to go to that afternoon. I enjoyed what I did professionally. Not so much in my last job, because it wasn’t nearly as challenging as I needed to thrive, but overall, I am good at what I do (or did, I guess). I enjoy being creative. I liked having an opinion. I want to make a difference.
On top of this, I feel like an epic failure as a parent already. I know this is not truly the case — my kid is fed, clothed, sheltered & loved. I’m grateful for that, duh. But I don’t think I have gotten out of my yoga pants more than two or three times these past two weeks. I don’t talk about many things besides what the toddler is up to. I look forward to my husband bringing up current affairs that he has heard about, or watching the news because it gives me a chance for an intellectual conversation. I know these things are possible outside of your spouse, but they seem to be rare. On top of that, I am learning that my patience is very, very thin. This is where I feel like I am sucking hardcore right now. I feel guilty for wanting MORE than this, but the reality of the situation is that right now, THIS is what I have. And MORE isn’t really possible without completely neglecting my kid — and if that’s what it comes down to then I might as well go back to work. Being with him is a priority, but the very selfish part of me wants to make ME & my hopes/dreams/aspirations a priority, too.
Someday this will come, but I don’t want to push it off forever, so I am working on that balance. That really fucking hard balance. Help him thrive while helping me thrive as well. What this comes down to, I think, is that some days the house will be a mess. Dinner won’t be ready or we will order pizza. Laundry will pile up. Not always, but if I have those couple of hours each day where I can focus on myself, do something that I love, then maybe I will feel better about myself.
I started drawing again last week. It felt good to break out the pencils & pens and doodle for a little bit. I would love to start painting again, and I’m trying to figure out a way to bring the toddler into that world without creating a total chaotic mess. It would be fun to do together. Theraputic for both of us.
Again, it’s a balance. I know I am new at this. I know that things will work themselves out eventually, but I can’t seem to get past that DRIVE that I have. I know so many moms are happy sitting at home with their kidlets all day, being a care provider and nothing else. But that’s not me. So, balance … show yourself! Or at least point me in the right direction to find you.